


Crush

by ArcticShadowmaker



Series: Heart [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry Alec, M/M, You will probably hate me for this, not exactly canon-compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-30 18:38:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10169315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcticShadowmaker/pseuds/ArcticShadowmaker
Summary: A different ending of 2x10.Alec can't find Magnus. He prays that the Soul Sword hasn't reached him, but he can't find him and make sure himself. Why are Izzy and Jace saying that they're sorry? And where is Magnus?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I know I should be working on From Your Eyes, but I just saw the last episode and it shook me. And inspired me. Probably not for the best.

Alec's heart was racing impossibly fast, panic making his breath come out in harsh, quick pants. His whole body felt numb, his mind blank with only one clear, determined thought: find Magnus. He had banged on every door he could see, hope and despair rising at the same time, dreading to find the warlock's still body on the floor, eyes wide open and unblinking. Never before had he felt that kind of fear, never before had he been so terrified, and he didn't know how to deal with it, how to clear his mind, how to focus, how to think about anything that wasn't Magnus' corpse. A litany of "no"s, of prayers, and of scenarios, each more horrible than the other, played on infinite repeat in his head as more panic built up, crushing his heart, clutching at his lungs, choking him, blurring his vision. He double checked every room he saw, every corridor he went through, every elevator, every flight of stairs, every corner... Relief washed over him as even more desperation flew through his core. Magnus was nowhere to be seen, which could mean that either he had made it outside in time, either he had not and Alec had forgotten or mischecked some place. He went outside, frantically scanning every face that came across him, not once seeing an honey-colored skin, sharp cheekbones and deep brown eyes. His breath sped up, tears building up behind his eyes. Trembling 'no's were coming out of his mouth, his hands yanking at his hair, his whole body on edge. Magnus wasn't there. Alec ran inside, knocking over other Shadowhunters in his haste but not caring. He had to find Magnus.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is real quick.

It was not until he heard his name pronounced in a hushed whisper that Alec stopped running. The person who said it sounded as desperate as he felt. Alec swiftly whipped around and rushed towards the sound of the voice, heart pounding in his throat. Jace and Izzy were hunched over each other, eyes wide and glistening with unshed tears that Alec could see even from where he stood. He headed towards them.  
"Where's Magnus?" he asked, his voice shaking, cracking at the end of the name. His siblings' heads shot up, eyes growing even more. A tear finally found its way down Isabelle's cheek.  
"Alec..." she said quietly, trembling slightly, "Alec I'm so sorry..."  
Alec's ears were ringing. "No." he heard himself say. "No," he said again, "Where's Magnus?"  
Isabelle took one slow step towards him. "He's... Alec, I... Magnus is..." Her tears were flowing freely now, her makeup following, staining her cheeks with dark streaks.  
No. No, this wasn't happening. Magnus was okay, safe and sound, looking for him somewhere in the Institute.  
"Alec..." Jace spoke quietly. His eyes were heavy, charged by guilt, haunted, heartbroken. "Magnus is here, but... Alec, I'm sorry..."  
Alec rushed past them. And froze dead in his track.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more left!


	3. Chapter 3

Alec's mind was refusing to process what he was seeing. And it had every right to do so. This simply could not be happening. It was impossible. As a Shadowhunter, Alec had seen many things that a mere mundane would call impossible, but this, this could not be real. No, no it wasn't real, his overridden mind was making him see things. Magnus was not laying on the hard floor of the Institute, yellow cat eyes wide open, body impossibly still and skin paling with every passing second. There were simple truths, such as: the Sun shines in the sky, and Magnus Bane is immortal. Magnus wasn't... he could not be... dead.

As if thinking the word had switched on something in Alec, the realization that what he was seeing was the reality of things suddenly crashed through him. Breath knocked out of his chest, he fell down to his knees, hands shaking as he reached out to the body laid in front of him. The trembling wasn't only in his hands. His entire body was shaking like a leaf and he feared his voice would be the same. He was afraid to touch Magnus, afraid that the stillness he will feel would make his death that much more real. Swallowing hard, he brought Magnus' side to his own chest, cradling his head carefully. His vision was strangely blurred, but as he blinked in surprise when he saw a tear falling down on Magnus' cheek, he realized that he was silently crying, too pained, too hurt to voice anything. Closing his eyes tight as his shoulders shook with silent sobs, he rested his forehead on Magnus'. He couldn't bear to see his unseeing eyes, his unmoving body, his mouth open in pain and not stretched into a smile, his hands clutching at his chest and not fluttering by his sides. Magnus was dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more left!


	4. Chapter 4

Alec had never felt pain more intense than this one. He felt as if his heart was being ripped apart, torn into pieces, and carelessly put back together, needles still inside and other poking out at his lungs, making it hard, if not impossible to breathe. So much had been left unsaid, so much had had yet to be done... Their last time together had ended into an argument because of Alec. His teeth cringed, his eyes clenching shut even tighter as another sob wrenched through him. The pain was excruciating, relentless, wrecking him. He wanted it to stop. Why couldn't someone make it stop? Magnus could have made it stop, but Magnus was dead. Magnus was dead and it was his fault. If he had been able to crack the code of the power core, Valentine would not have been able to activate the Soul Sword and Magnus would not be dead. It was all his fault. They had fought the last time they had seen each other and it was Alec's fault. They never had the chance to talk about what they really felt for each other and it was Alec's fault.

"Oh God," Alec choked out, "Magnus, I'm so sorry" he whispered as once again another sob wracked through his body. "I'm so sorry. I love you." he whispered the last part, his voice cracking, the tear in his heart stretching further painfully. "I love you." he said, over and over. "I love you, but you will never know it, and I'm so sorry..."

He couldn't go on. He couldn't. Every word was a sharp stab to his bleeding heart, every reminder of what he had said and done made him feel so unworthy of the wonderful man that Magnus was... had been.

Because now Magnus Bane was no more, and Alec Lightwood felt as if he, too, was slowly dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaand, this is the end! I posted it all in one go, which was maybe not the smartest thing to do, I know, but I really wanted to share it with you guys. Tell me what you thought of it, if you want to kill me slowly, intimately, and all that.  
> (I'm honestly feeling mildly proud of this last line)

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, three more parts to go!  
> The chapters will be really short, hope you enjoy.


End file.
